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Publication Date 4-22-10 I'm having some hard times here on the prairie, and I'm just not seeing an end in sight. One of my wife's relatives wrote a book about their shared ancestry. It turns out some of her ancestors came over on the Mayflower. My ancestors came over in the bilge of a potato freighter. Her ancestors came over because they were searching for freedom from religious persecution and were yearning to breathe free. Mine came because they were tired of starving. Her ancestors wrote the Mayflower Compact and helped establish a system of government on which our entire country is founded. Mine served on the Otrey Township School Board. The list goes on. Mary Queen of Scots, Alfred the Great, and Charlemagne have all climbed her family tree. If you could take a picture of my family tree, you'd see a bunch of guys named Sven clinging to the branches. They'd all have dirty fingernails and muddy boots and look like they had just wandered in from the barley field. I have a cousin who went to Norway to do genealogy research and found out that in about 1560 our ancestors had a goat, but they used it to pay their taxes. And that's the financial highlight of my forebears for the next four hundred years. My wife is a good person. There are entire days that go by when she doesn't mention her famous ancestry and impeccable credentials; although when I walk through the house wearing muddy boots I know she's thinking, “I bet Alfred the Great didn't wear his muddy boots into the house.” But I've decided to look on the bright side. My wife may have more distinguished ancestors, but mine are a little more…colorful. Even their names are better. How boring is John Alden or Miles Standish. Compare them to Eric Bloodaxe and Ragnar HairyBreeches. And while I'm not actually related to any of those famous Scandinavian heroes, I bet some of my ancestors provided them with herring and potato pancakes to sustain them while they were doing their heroic…stuff. I mean, take a look at Olaf Haraldsson's accomplishments. Without him, there'd be no “London Bridge is Falling Down” for little kids to sing. He is, after all, the one who pulled it down. Just think – my people could've helped with that. My people slaughtered entire monasteries full of helpless monks, burned London, pillaged Paris, discovered Iceland (which was covered with grass) and then Greenland (which was covered with ice). They discovered North America (of course, that was kind of an accident – they got lost in the fog and wouldn't ask directions from a passing Eskimo), and they invented lutefisk. So, okay, maybe my wife's ancestry is made up of kings and queens, the noble and the respectable, people who fought back against religious oppression and sailed to a new land to found a system of government that is an example for all the world. My ancestors invented battle axes with handles six feet long. I'm just sayin… Copyright 2010 Brent Olson Brent Olson |
