http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/article.html/ Humorous and Interesting Stories from the Heartland en-us 2009 Brent Olson Independently Speaking CTS Feed Writer http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/brent.gif 100 88 Stories from the Heartland Brent talks about life changes http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp656.mp3 Wed, 10 May 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Anytime you talk Oil you HAVE to be crazy http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp657.mp3 Wed, 17 May 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Everything you wanted to know about Lawns http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp658.mp3 Wed, 24 May 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Exploding Mosquitos and Politicians Mon, 29 May 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Letting go, Gun racks, and Sermons Tue, 6 Jun 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Brent and his wife go shoe shopping for Brent! Wed, 14 Jun 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Macho, Medicine and Aging Tue, 20 Jun 2006 09:00:00 -0700 He went hard, hanging on to the skin of this earth Wed, 28 Jun 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Brent dives into philosophy-550 million references worth Tue, 4 Jul 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Whats with Casey at the bat or am I missing something? http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp665.mp3 Wed, 12 Jul 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Hot weather and the search for food Wed, 19 Jul 2006 09:00:00 -0700 You never know where youll end up at Wed, 26 Jul 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Clerking jobs are ruining the youth of America Wed, 2 Aug 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Brent compares country living to the city Tue, 8 Aug 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Brent talks about life and relatives in Norway Tue, 22 Aug 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Brent talks about trials traveling in Norway Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Brent talks about how the world is viewed Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 This week, Brent explains a way to get rid of bad TV and bad politicians Wed, 6 Sep 2006 09:00:00 -0700 This week, Brent talks about apartments in the cities in the will kill 4 crack neighborhood Wed, 13 Sep 2006 09:00:00 -0700 ILL write the doctor a prescription-CALL Wed, 20 Sep 2006 09:00:00 -0700 This week Brent talks about going up in the world - literally. Wed, 27 Sep 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Brent is still up in the air as he compares how hes living now to his ancestors Wed, 4 Oct 2006 09:00:00 -0700 You can take Brent out of the country work but you cant take it out of Brent-Its a guy thing Wed, 11 Oct 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Shotguns, Ducks, and an old sportings goods store. Ahh the memories Wed, 18 Oct 2006 09:00:00 -0700 We'd called her dirty Joyce, rotten Joyce, twisted Joyce and saggy Joyce. You decide which one fits Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:00:00 -0700 It takes a sense of urgency to get things done. As we go to vote we get to remind the politicians of this. Wed, 1 Nov 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Brents takes some time out for hunting Wed, 8 Nov 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Experimenting on your relatives can be, well, a new sensation. Wed, 15 Nov 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Home is where you hang your hat and Ive hung mine in some odd places Wed, 29 Nov 2006 09:00:00 -0700 How far would you go for a nice hot shower? Wed, 6 Dec 2006 09:00:00 -0700 What does it take to farm? There are rewards if you look for them. Wed, 13 Dec 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Brent reflects on what Christmas means and why we should be grateful Wed, 20 Dec 2006 09:00:00 -0700 Cerial or Crumpets for Breakfast. Brent spins a tale about one heck of a breakfast experience! Wed, 27 Dec 2006 09:00:00 -0700 New skin, New Basement, New Year, Its just got to be a better year Wed, 3 Jan 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Dont you just hate the place? I do and Ill tell you why! Wed, 10 Jan 2007 09:00:00 -0700 When Trusting Country People Collide with Untrusting City Folks the Sparks can Fly! Wed, 17 Jan 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Sausage started it all and it ended up with needles and at the end, an insight Wed, 24 Jan 2007 09:00:00 -0700 When tables get turned I find out that certain places in Fargo have a unique way of taking care of mistakes Wed, 31 Jan 2007 09:00:00 -0700 If Id had a ..45 strapped to my waist back when I raised hogs, there were many times when there would have been dead hogs in every direction Wed, 7 Feb 2007 09:00:00 -0700 What we need are impatient dreamers, dreamers willing to work to make the dreams come true Wed, 14 Feb 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Its only when I see a whole herd of them that a few common qualities pop out Wed, 21 Feb 2007 09:00:00 -0700 You take a hog house roughly the size of a football field and get enough snow piled on top to start making the rafters creak, its gonna be a long day Wed, 21 Feb 2007 09:00:00 -0700 If you go to some place bizarre, youll either get a great meal or a great story Wed, 7 Mar 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Every now and then theres a moment and if you dont seize the moment, you got nothin but trouble Wed, 14 Mar 2007 09:00:00 -0700 When my phone rings, I grab my chest with both hands, moan, Its a big one, call 911 Tue, 20 Mar 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Im simply not convinced that any store that stocks wicker and/or candles is really tapping into Guy Central Wed, 28 Mar 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Last week I had two meetings out of town, which meant I took a half hour nap in the parking lot of a coffee shop the first day and on the second day I chose the back row at a Home Depot Wed, 11 Apr 2007 09:00:00 -0700 It was pretty interesting to watch an entire group of people totally united in their quest for deception - and all without the advantage of natural talent or training Wed, 18 Apr 2007 09:00:00 -0700 In a lifetime of bad judgment and poor choices, this one seemed to top the list Wed, 25 Apr 2007 09:00:00 -0700 It could be worse, of course. It could be me thats getting beat up Wed, 2 May 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Im telling you, theres nothing like nearby thunder at 2:00 on a Sunday morning to put you in a mood for repentance Wed, 9 May 2007 09:00:00 -0700 I think trying to fix someone elses botched, indifferent work is perhaps the most frustrating job in the world Wed, 16 May 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Bread, meat, chocolate, and alcohol those are the four major food groups. There isnt really anything else out there to eat Wed, 23 May 2007 09:00:00 -0700 Truthfully, no one does Memorial Day like a small town. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 No need to go nuts with this the prayer I learned doesnt go any further than daily bread. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 As hes swinging toward the tree, heading for supersonic speed, he turns to the camera and says, This really gonna hurt. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Like many small town doctors, he was always short of sleep and that's where the conflict with the railroad crews entered Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 The competition for cool air was fairly subtle and dignified, until I broke under the pressure and stood in front of the air conditioner with my shirt hooded over the vents, until my navel was dripping icicles Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Im hoping my high school shop teacher doesnt read the paper this week, cause he'll be mad at me for whatever I did Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Did you see the article in the paper this week about the Chihuahua that leapt between a little kid and a striking rattlesnake? I'll give you a hint that dogs name wasnt Cricket Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 No feeding, milking, butchering, cooking none of that stuff. Just grabbed em and put them in my mouth. Instant food, no work Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 And thats where the anger comes in. For that bridge to collapse, someone didnt take their job seriously Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 It seems like the more powerful a person becomes, the less responsible they need to be Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 There were people in the house who thought this was not a viable permanent solution. I chose not to listen to those people and went back to bed Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 But really, how many traveling carnival workers are going to read this column AND be motivated enough to find where I live and come over and beat me up? Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 I wasnt thrilled with the idea of an obituary titled Farmer crashes pickup while screaming like a wounded possum, Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 A buddy recommended that I take a hatchet out to the coop and hang it on the wall. Nothing really threatening, just a little reminder that there are alternative chicken-based proteins other than eggs Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Theres an old saying One shot - one duck, two shots - maybe one duck, three shots - no duck Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 The conversation that night occasionally left me in the dust, especially when they talked about translations of Persian poetry or opera, but then it would swerve back to more familiar territory, like flaming rats and politics Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 The only harm Ive managed to cause the ducks was the sore stomach muscles they got from laughing at me Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 As soon as my neck gives way and my head snaps backward and bounces off the back of the pew, I wake up Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 I dont fret about the sexual orientation of real people I have to admit Im completely indifferent to the gender issues of fictional wizards Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Ive hunted with guys who had spent thousands of dollars to train their highly specialized, purebred dogs. Weve spent zero time and money training Cricket and believe me, it shows Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 sure, you bet, I want the ginger ale, the trail mix, five or six movies, a five gallon pail of mint chocolate chip ice cream and maybe a chorus line of dancing hamsters and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing a medley of Beatles songs Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Thats not something you want to hear, some clerk saying, Yeah, youre over the limit. You can have the coffee, but Ill have to take back the scone. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Id go to work with my hands smelling like Chanel Number 5. It didnt bother the hogs, but the guys I worked with thought it was pretty funny Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Were just all about cheap grace here. In our churches, in our politics and in our society Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Sometimes the right response is patience, facts, figures, and persuasion. Sometimes, its better to kick, scream, lose your temper and make a scene Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Still, behind my grey beard and puzzled eyes, Scrooge is always lurking, along with the concerns about what Christmas is really supposed to be about. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 A friend of mine said admiringly, Will your dog do that? Are you kidding? I said. My kids wouldnt even do that. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 One guy doesnt believe in evolution and another guy claims hes seen a UFO. The only way this could get better would be if the group included a trapeze artist, an international mercenary and a concert violinist. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 I dont know if that made me cream or skim, but it wasnt long before I decided that the view from the bottom looking up wasnt what I wanted to see. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Actually, if youre a chicken, being asked to produce eggs isnt the worst case scenario Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Evolution in action, baby. If youre too dumb to take care of your environment, death for you and yours is the inevitable result Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 It seems theres this expensive booze thats in very short supply. Its made, a few bottles at a time, in a distillery way back in the Scottish Highlands by goats wearing kilts is my understanding Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 As I went in the door, I interrupted the treasurers report to say, I move that we sell the church and use the money to relocate the congregation to Jamaica . Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Most men arent willing. Most women, too, when you get right down to it Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Its a little like having the ability to grow hair in my ears. Sure, I probably should be grateful for any hair growth, but the gratitude is a little tempered Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 I just dont care how rich Senator McCains wife is. I dont care where Senator Obama went to church and I dont care at all about Senator Clintons hair style or jewelry Mon, 19 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700 We bought the new toilet during our latest remodeling project based on the observation that even though it, too, was a water saving model, it could flush a Buick. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Im not saying that people who work at giant supermarkets are unfriendly, but thats not a conversation Ive ever had in one of those stores thats bigger than a township Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Theres nothing like a small town celebration and this one is going to be big fun. Weve got a show, a parade, class reunions, food stands, fireworks - I cant even remember all the stuff thats packed into four days., People are coming from all over the country and at least a couple of different continents Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Ben Franklin loved to tell fart jokes and was very fond of the ladies. George Washington drank a lot. John Adams was a grump and Patrick Henry was kind of arrogant and obnoxious Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Another memorable point was the prom scene, which started with a couple whove been two-stepping together for half a century and ended with a pair whove been dancing with considerably more vigor for just a few months Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 I think most people know theres a need for some hard work and clear thinking and its past time to start in Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 They were shown a houseboat to climb onto and each one was handed a lime-green Speedo and told to put it on. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 I understand the concern. The folks on Wall Street dont know how to run a business (with losses in the past year 107 billion and counting), but theyre great at wasting money and thats good for the economy. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Thats a problem if I sell someone an autographed book, itd be nice if they could tell that it was my autograph Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 THEYRE LITTLE GIRLS! Standing around giggling is what theyre supposed to do its part of their job description Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 I understand the difficulties of being a woman, and in order to help my womenfolk make their way in a hostile world, I try to let them do as much work as possible. This helps them to be strong and independent women. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 I think it says a lot about the basic goodness of humanity that so few people get spit on in malls. Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Oh, it may be amusing to sit around drawing devil horns on pictures of the president, but we have things to do Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 Ive always been mildly scornful of people who coast to the finish line. For me, the state of the world is now more important than it was Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 They always asked me to tell the story about my first date with their mother, and Id always oblige, and make up a different lie every time, which they found vastly amusing Sat, 30 Dec 1899 11:00:00 -0700 The people who are telling us we need to do hard, unpleasant things dont have a very good track record and I dont see them down in the trenches along with the rest of us Thu, 2 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700 Between lack of talent and a stunning ability to inflict damage upon myself, Ill stick to a computer keyboard and leave the edged implements to someone else Thu, 9 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700 Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained by incompetence Wed, 29 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700 New Yorkers are real screamers. That was strange to me, too. I dont know many screamers Fri, 7 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0700 Imagine someone dumping a 55 gallon drum of blended margaritas mixed with mud on your windshield Thu, 13 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0700 The whole mess gets even goofier when you realize that a lot of what we were going into debt for was made and imported from other countries. Thu, 20 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0700 Now I'm in my fifties. So is Michael Jackson. This does not make me feel better. He may be a gifted musician who has written and performed amazing music and made millions of dollars in the process, but he's crazy and…you know…weird Thu, 27 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0700 So right now Im not paying Middle Eastern terrorists, South American strong men, Texas oil barons or even Canadians Thu, 4 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0700 Giant insurance companies and auto executives in private jets have begged for money, and after getting it, some actually decided that using the taxpayers money for retreats at private resorts was the proper thing to do Wed, 31 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0700 I dont think you get real philosophy without misery. I think sitting in your office, drinking a cup of coffee, munching thoughtfully on stale Christmas cookies while staring out the window at a howling blizzard gives you some real motivation for forward thinking Tue, 3 Mar 2009 16:36:13 -0700 If they ever catch Osama Bin Laden, I don't think there's any real need to go through any sort of trial and punishment. I think they should just turn him loose next to the line for security screening at any major American airport http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp828-travelingblues.mp3 Tue, 3 Mar 2009 16:35:32 -0700 ....as I walked by a woman on her cell phone, I heard her say, Well, take him by the nape of the neck and shake him a couple times for me http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp831overheard.mp3 Fri, 13 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0700 So, for about four months there was a copy of “Little Women” on the dashboard of my pickup and I lived in constant fear that I would be killed in a traffic accident and the entire eulogy at my funeral would be, “When Brent died, a copy of “Little Women” was found in his pickup with him. http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp832funeral.mp3 Fri, 27 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0700 And, that's the best case scenario. Worst case involves living on crab apples and mudhens while learning how to speak Chinese. http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp835daylightsavings.mp3 Wed, 11 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700 Upon further contemplation, I suppose preachers in the good old days did appreciate chickens and potatoes, but they probably would have been pretty happy with an actual paycheck and health benefits, not to mention respectable housing and a decent organist. http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp836salvation.mp3 Thu, 19 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700 Okay, so someone I sold a book to, and personally signed, sold that book at a used book store and IT WAS WORTH LESS BECAUSE I SIGNED IT http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp837friends.mp3 Thu, 26 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700 I cringe when I look at our wedding pictures. My wife still looks pretty much the same, but back then I had hair, was skinny, and apparently had appalling taste in clothes. http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp838anniversary.mp3 Thu, 2 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700 one minute you're exchanging high fives at a football game and the next you're in the Tower of London watching as some sweaty oaf sharpens his axe http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp839touchingthequeen.mp3 Thu, 9 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700 Imagine my surprise to find that Vikings used hair gel http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp840-hammerofthegods.mp3 Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700 Someone walked behind me and after watching a full cycle of pictures, laughed out loud and said, Brent, you are such a homer. http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp841justahomer.mp3 Thu, 23 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700 You know, he said, my kids think I'm crazy, but I love the smell of hog manure http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp842newyork.mp3 Thu, 30 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700 My father looked at me and said, It'll be a cold day in hell before there's another sheep on this farm http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp843preaching.mp3 Thu, 7 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700 Were still fighting wars in at least two different countries and we just sent off our local National Guard troops for another deployment http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp846memorialday2009.mp3 Thu, 21 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700 Everyone says health care is too expensive. I say the same thing myself. But you can't drive anywhere without seeing huge new additions to hospitals, stand alone surgical centers, all sorts of medical specialties housed in shiny new buildings and insurance company executives making millions of dollars a year in salary and bonuses http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp845-thetruthhurts.mp3 Thu, 28 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700 In my experience, a thousand bucks doesn't buy you much consulting time. Of course, I've never worked with Israel/Palestine consultants http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/Lsp847-I move.mp3 Thu, 4 June 2009 09:00:00 -0700 There weren't nearly as many positive affirmations or validating statements, but when they hugged, you could feel their hearts beat. http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp843hands.mp3 Thu, 11 June 2009 09:00:00 -0700 If your wife comes home and she can see nothing wrong except a band aid on your finger, all is good, but if there's a blood trail leading to the kitchen and red fingerprints all over the first aid kit, questions will be asked http://www.independentlyspeaking.com/lsp849-firstaid kit.mp3 Thu, 18 June 2009 09:00:00 -0700